Well in todays society we are making this very easy for him and his army of helpers!! My secret source suggests a crack team of elite surrogates called the Santa Claws has been going into war zones the world over to deliver presents. “They drop down from the sky like the Claw in Toy Story.” He also suggests the amount of safe airspace has now got so small, the old guy is piloting a solution: a worldwide network of sleeper helpers in every community. The Send A Nice Toy Annually network, or SANTA: warm-hearted people who go about their business all year then go to work at Christmas using drones. “The sort of thing Amazon would kill for.” It makes sense. Drones are suddenly everywhere. There has been a huge rise in the number crashing in British prisons, carrying drugs and phones. Nine in October alone, according to reports. Nobody knows how many get through. But talking of dubious activity, what is Dark Santa? I’m afraid it’s bad news. The elves have gone rogue. My source suggests store Santa’s are being used for triage, working out who’s naughty or nice. Every visit to a grotto is a secret interrogation. They’ve set up a huge database – it’s easy to keep your servers cool in the Arctic circle – scanning Snapchat, WhatsApp and Instagram, hacking into the Pentagon, GCHQ even Facebook. You’d better watch out. You’d better think twice before posting that photo. His eyes are everywhere and he can see if you have been naughty or nice!